Long December
by Kansas J. Miller
Summary: Christmas Eve plagues CJ. [CJJosh friendship]


TITLE: Long December AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller RATING: PG GENRE: CJ/Josh friendship SUMMARY: There were so many things, so many different things that on Christmas bothered this usually-stoic woman. SPOILERS: small S5 spoilers.  
  
~*~  
  
Christmas made her sad, it made her cry. Lights on the trees, lights on houses, lights, lights, lights, everywhere. They pierced the dark and lonely nights; they illuminated streets that had only ever known the emptiness of dusk. She hated the lights, she hated the music, and she hated the parties. She put up a tree in her office this year, a tall tree this time, hoping it might bring a little cheer. But the stand was too small, and Carol couldn't find one that fit, so CJ gave up and let the maintenance people take it outside. Someone else would be able to set the tree up in a living room or a foyer someplace where children would decorate it, drape lights and glitter over it and bring a little beauty into the month.  
  
CJ sat up in her bed and untangled the sheets from her long legs. A deep breath penetrated the quiet, and before she could stop the tear from rolling down her cheek, the wetness hit the comforter. A silent splash, and then another. Another ragged breath drawn in, and then the sweep of headlights broke the darkness as a car passed on the street. Shadows moved across the bed, and CJ threw herself back against the pillows, wishing she would just fall asleep and get past this damned night. One-fifteen clicked into sixteen after on the clock by her bed, and as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut for another endless moment, CJ wondered when her tears would ever stop building rivers.  
  
There were so many things, so many different things that, on Christmas bothered this usually-stoic woman, especially this year. The holidays were the worst times to be single, and Ben had been phoning her non-stop this season, leaving message after message with Carol when CJ refused to take his calls. Carol kept delivering the messages despite CJ's instructions, and maybe that was because Carol knew how lonely CJ really was, not just on Christmas, but always. And then there was her father. Sick and alone, himself, in a Dayton hospital. And he hated turkey, and she'd tried to send a ham, but there was always something too difficult to be done.she would just have to bring it to him herself, tomorrow. The thought caused a hollow sob to escape CJ's grasp and the sound echoed into the night as she gripped the sheets with desperate fingers. Tears began to flood, now, drenching the pillowcase as pain, the reality of heartbreak, seized inside of CJ. Her mother had died one December, nearly so long ago that CJ could barely remember the day. Maybe it was this month, this long and terrible December, that was cursed for her, and as she curled herself into a tiny, protective ball, CJ could only think to pray for its end.  
  
Her thoughts eventually blazed into numbness, whirring into a mixture of endless nothings, and when CJ opened her eyes again, dull light was peeking into the room from behind the blinds. Twenty minutes after five o'clock. December 24th. Christmas Eve. Blinking once and feeling the swollenness behind her eyes, CJ sighed and wished she hadn't let herself cry so much the night before. Everyone was allowed their days, their nights, to wallow in whatever that feeling was, but CJ knew that her head would pound for another twelve hours, and the memories of her hurt would linger, too.  
  
Pushing the sheets and blankets away from her slender body, CJ slowly made her way to the shower, ignoring the pile of yesterday's clothes, now balled up in the corner by the bathroom. One last day at the White House, and then she would have a few days off, finally time enough to get to Dayton. After she set the shower running and got out her shampoos and body wash, CJ studied herself in the mirror. While the water grew steamy and hot, CJ pulled her hair back into a ponytail and looked carefully at her face. Her eyes were still puffy, but her skin was flawless. Her body, now nude in preparation for the shower, was slim and in shape. Slowly turning her head from side to side, CJ tried to find something to critique, to complain about.  
  
With a sudden sigh, she dropped her hair and fluidly stepped into the shower, closing the glass door firmly behind her. Nothing was ever good enough, not for other people. She was forty-three and gorgeous. Hours at the gym and hours in the office, though, did little for anything CJ hated to admit she wanted. On the outside, everything looked fine. But the mask never told much truth, and though she had the perfect job and all the wit, charm, and beauty anyone could ever ask for, CJ Cregg knew she was cracking on the inside.  
  
She stood under the shower for twenty minutes trying to wash away last night's sadness. It was Christmas Eve, her father was fifteen hundred miles away, alone in a hospital bed, and though she knew that she would be with him soon, something still nagged at CJ's thoughts. Something was amiss, something like anxiety was growing in the pit of the Press Secretary's stomach, and if she didn't get out of her own skin soon.Abruptly, CJ shut off the shower, briskly wrapped a towel around her body, and marched out of the shower. The only way to get through the day was to start the day, and with that thought dominating her brain, CJ began to pull herself together.  
  
~*~  
  
"No, Leo, no!" CJ shook her head frantically, her voice low, frightened and desperate. She knew she sounded like a teenager trying to evade a grounding, but as she stood in front of Leo's desk, pleading was the only thing CJ could think to try. "You can't keep me here! I haven't seen my father in nearly a year, Leo, and he's sick.he's in the hospital, and this was the only time."  
  
Leo's eyes were apologetic, his voice soft with understanding. "CJ, I'm sorry, but if the President is staying, the senior staff is staying. It's not just you. The White House needs to be operational in case these threats amount to anything."  
  
CJ sighed heavily as she held tightly to her notebook. She was doing everything in her power to keep her eyes from raining once again; last night's tears were too fresh on her mind and the smallest thing, she knew, might set her off again. "Leo, please. I didn't get there on Thanksgiving. I might not get there again in any decent amount of time. He's not well!" CJ said firmly, punctuating each fact with her Press Secretary voice, the don't-mess-with-me tone that normally sent everyone running.  
  
Leo only leveled his eyes, his tone dropping to match CJ's. "CJ, really, I get it and I understand where you're coming from, but we've received more credible threats over the last forty-eight hours than in the last year combined. State and Defense are down in the Sit Room wading through it all, and I'm pretty sure we're going to be issuing a travel alert. Give me an hour to talk to the President, and I'll get back to you."  
  
With that, Leo spun around in his chair to face his computer, a sure sign to CJ that they were absolutely through with the conversation. CJ gritted her teeth and knew that anger painted her features, but instead of verbalizing it, she simply turned and left the office, thinking it might be best if she called her father sooner rather than later.  
  
~*~  
  
Carol was waiting at the office door when CJ's heels angrily smacked the hallway floor. Viciously she marched into her office, almost violently grabbing the stack of paper message slips from her assistant.  
  
"Carol, get the hospital on the phone and see if my father's up to talking. Then I need you to get my brothers," CJ ordered, slamming her body down into the desk chair while Carol remained in the doorway. "Try Richard first," CJ thought aloud as she began to page through her messages. In the last hour, Ben had called her twice. He could go months, even years without calling her at all - and he knew better than to try her at home - but today he had called her twice. CJ shook her head and looked up. "Richard first, then Christopher."  
  
Carol nodded and scribbled on her omnipresent notepad. "Okay, but you've got a security briefing down in the Sit Room in twenty minutes."  
  
CJ looked up suddenly. "When did that get on the schedule?"  
  
Carol shrugged. "Margaret just called. Leo wants you to brief the press within the hour."  
  
"Merry Christmas, huh?" CJ rolled her eyes in frustration as she fought the urge to slam her fist down on the desk. "Okay, call my brothers first - we'll do my dad later - and now I need Josh's office to send over the latest intelligence memos."  
  
"You've got it, boss," Carol replied, swiftly returning to her desk. CJ continued to flip through the messages, none of which really required a response. A few newspapers asking for comment on things she would cover at the briefing.the AP with a follow-up, Danny Concannon calling to wish her a happy holiday from his latest global locale.CJ had to smirk at that. Whatever Danny was digging for this time, she wanted no part of, and she certainly didn't need to relive last year's Christmas kiss with Santa. Throwing the messages aside, but keeping Ben's on the keyboard of her laptop, CJ realized with a sinking heart that this year, things were so hectic and out of sync that the normal Christmas festivities had been put to a minimum. If Santa was making his way to the Press Room this year, CJ didn't know about it.  
  
"CJ! Line two - your brother Richard!" Carol yelled through the glass window. CJ nodded and grabbed up the phone.  
  
"Rich? It's me. I'm not going to be able to make it to Dayton.."  
  
~*~  
  
"I've decided to stay here for Christmas," President Bartlet looked up at the staff from behind the Oval Office desk. "I'm not wild about the security situation - CJ just briefed the press, and you all saw the internal information. I just don't feel comfortable leaving the White House, and I'll sleep a whole lot better knowing that the people I trust most are close."  
  
CJ locked her eyes onto the seal in the middle of the carpet, and while Toby, Josh, and Leo continued to carry on a conversation with the President, CJ found herself spacing in and out. If she was stuck in Washington - once again - over the holidays, at least she could rest easy with the fact that her brother Richard was leaving for Dayton in the morning. She knew how hard it was for him, too, to get away from his job, but as stockbroker, at least he could be sure that he wouldn't be called to work on Christmas. The New York Stock Exchange, unlike the White House, always got Christmas off. And it wouldn't be so awful, CJ tried to imagine, to relax at home for a day and be on call in case the President needed the staff.maybe she could call Ben... the thought crept into her mind even though she knew she never would call Ben.and it wouldn't be so awful to spend the day alone, except CJ knew that it was going to be awful. She was going to be alone, all by herself in her apartment, and it was just going to be...  
  
"CJ? Oh, Claudia Jean..." the President was calling her name, amusement in his voice.  
  
CJ's head snapped up and she shook back to reality, slightly embarrassed that she'd been caught in her thoughts. "Yes, Sir?"  
  
President Bartlet had a slight grin on his face, and CJ realized that the Oval Office was now empty of staff, save herself. "I don't know if you noticed, but the meeting is over."  
  
CJ chuckled wryly. "I'm sorry, Sir. I'm-"  
  
The President walked slowly around the desk, his eyes carefully studying CJ's. "Worried about your father? Leo filled me in. I'm sorry to keep you here, but I know you understand."  
  
CJ nodded shortly. She understood that she'd given up her family a long, long time ago for her job. It had been fine, it really had been, but as she grew older and everyone else grew happier, more content with their lives, CJ had been the one to remain this way, feeling this same way. "No, Sir, it's really okay. I arranged to have one of my brothers fly out to see my father."  
  
The President stepped closer to her. "And how is your father?"  
  
CJ briefly closed her eyes and hugged her arms closer to her chest. "He's in the hospital, he doesn't know anything, anyone.not his wife, not his friends, not his sons or even his grandchildren.my brother Christopher was there before Thanksgiving, and it was just too upsetting. They had to leave." CJ sighed and looked up at the President, suddenly apologetic. "I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't mean to -"  
  
The President silently shook his head, dismissing her concerns. "Go home, CJ. Get some sleep. If we need you, Charlie will page."  
  
"Yes, Sir," CJ whispered, turning to leave the Oval Office. She felt a heaviness surrounding her, a weight that would not remove itself. "Merry Christmas, Mr. President," she offered quietly, looking briefly over her should before ducking out of the doorway. She did not wait to hear him return with the same; it was not a Merry Christmas and no amount of good cheer or empty words would bring the night a change.  
  
~*~  
  
CJ was wrapped in her long coat, and after she finished tying the scarf tightly around her neck, she slipped into warm gloves. "Carol, I'm going home. You, too. It's Christmas Eve."  
  
Carol, also dressed in her winter wear, appeared in the doorway. She noticed the distance in CJ's eyes, but did not want to push her boss tonight. "Have a good night."  
  
CJ nodded slowly. "Have a good night, yourself. I'll be in later tomorrow, but don't worry about coming in."  
  
"Page me if you need to," Carol instructed her boss with a smile. "Merry Christmas, CJ."  
  
CJ watched her assistant leave before she headed out. After locking her office, she slowly headed down the hallway, wondering who else was left in the building tonight. It was nearly 8 o'clock - early for a normal weeknight - and even though they'd been warned to stay in Washington, most of the staff had made an early night out of the holiday. Donna's desk was neat and empty, and the bullpen was mostly dark. Catching the light peeking out from Josh's office, CJ rapped twice on the door before cracking it open.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hey, yourself," he replied, taking his feet off the desk. "Still here?"  
  
"Leaving now," CJ sighed. "What are you doing?"  
  
Josh shrugged. "Country doesn't shut down on Christmas, you know," he said with a hint of humor in his voice.  
  
CJ snorted and brushed the hair back from her face. "I hate Christmas."  
  
"I heard about your father. I'm sorry you got stuck here - I went ten rounds with Leo trying to see if he could let you go, but.."  
  
CJ leaned forward, resting her arms on Josh's desk while their eyes met. "Thanks, Josh," she said quietly, dropping his gaze.  
  
"It's you, though...they'll need you in the briefing room if something happens, and you know-"  
  
CJ held up a hand. "You don't have to explain to me, Josh," she said matter-of-factly. "I know. It's my job to be here."  
  
Suddenly, Josh stood up, walked around his desk, and plopped down into the seat beside CJ. He sat in silence, saying nothing for the longest time, until he reached over to take CJ's gloved hand in his. She was startled but not unwilling to let their fingers curl comfortingly together. "You know, when I think of everything we had to do to get this man elected, and then everything we had to do once we got here just to stay in the game.."  
  
CJ felt her lips curling up into a smile. "Not to mention everything we had to do to get another four years.."  
  
Josh chuckled and turned to look at CJ. "You ever wonder if it was all worth it?"  
  
CJ felt her eyes well up as she studied the lines of Josh's face. They'd lost so much and they'd come face to face with their demons.each and every one of them would walk out of this building completely and forever changed; it was undoubtedly Josh who knew the most about that. "What about you? Do you ever wonder?" She finally countered, hoping he wouldn't see the moisture building in her eyes.  
  
Josh said nothing for a long moment, and he was silent as he gently pulled the soft glove from CJ's fingers. When the skin of her hand was bare, Josh squeezed her fingers tightly before bringing them to his mouth, brushing them but barely with his lips. "I never wonder," he whispered, holding her hand close. "You never wonder, either," he decided.  
  
CJ bit her lip as a single tear dropped to her cheek, her laugh was short and stilted. "Oh, Josh, it's so lonely."  
  
Josh stood up, their hands still firmly entwined. Pulling CJ out of her chair, Josh gently let her hand go before returning the single glove. "You're my best friend, CJ. If you ever need me.well, you know. Don't forget that, 'kay?"  
  
CJ took the glove and slipped it back onto her hand before looking up to meet his eyes. "Merry Christmas, Josh."  
  
"Goodnight, CJ," he responded, moving to return to his desk chair. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
CJ swallowed the lump in her throat with a smile as she wordlessly headed out to the lobby. Only Josh, she realized as the grin grew over her face, only Josh could kiss her hand and manage to remind what this was all about, what it was all worth. Only Josh could put it all into perspective with a few words and the slip of her glove. Only Josh.  
  
CJ left the building after punching her entry card, and as she reached the parking lot, thick and heavy white snowflakes began to drift down over the cement, landing on cars, the grass, the cement, and CJ's hair. Looking up into the clear and cold sky, CJ stood for a moment, watching the white dust sprinkle down, and as she closed her eyes for a single second, CJ felt Christmas finally coming. * 


End file.
